Aries are courageous and enjoy taking risks. The greater the risk, the quicker an Aries would take it. Many Aries die the extremely silly sort of deaths that rescue service personnel like to joke about at parties. If you want to get rid of an Aries, simply challenge him to hop across the nearest motorway at rush hour.
Aries are terrible losers and will desperately fight to the end. For an Aries, it’s ‘do or die’. If you play a game of poker against an Aries you can expect to get his house… or give him yours. A few Aries actually make good money selling real estate. The rest spend their time sulking under bridges in cardboard boxes.
Their competitive nature makes Aries great athletes. However, the lucky ones soon get suspended for aggressive play. The unlucky ones suffer multiple injuries and end up as cripples. Either way, once their sports career is over, Aries turn to Russian roulette for their regular adrenaline fix, though many die trying to beat the solitaire version.
It is difficult to accurately describe an Aries without using the words ‘arrogant’ and ‘intolerant’. That is, unless you use words such as ‘presumptuous’, ‘conceited’, ‘bigoted’, ‘prejudiced’, or ‘prick’. 92% of people surveyed would rather have a tooth extracted by a gorilla than share a bus seat with an Aries. The other 8% were Aries themselves.
Aries can approach a person of the opposite sex with a confidence that very few can muster. They are never afraid to make a move – or a total fool of themselves for that matter. A closer look will reveal that they are hopelessly drunk. Aries generally do score quite a few romantic successes (with other hopeless drunks) – and about fifty times as many rejections.
Aries are financially unstable and may have loads of money one moment and absolutely none at all the next. They are every banker’s nightmare and are automatically disqualified from getting a loan. Eventually, they reach a point where they are forced to make a living from what they do best – making terribly stupid, death-defying (at least occasionally) reality-TV videos.
Aries are confused, unpredictable and generally blurry. So is their future.
In fact, nobody can predict the future of an Aries – not even cosmologists, who are capable of proposing theories about very distant future things, such as how the universe will end. If anyone claims to be able to tell an Aries’ future, they’re definitely lying. Saying that something terribly tragic will happen one day doesn’t count as predicting an Aries’ future. Everyone knows that.
Vincent Van Gogh, Marlon Brando, Charles Chaplin
Aries will make excellent athletes.